The Year That Was 2019

 

As I look back on the year 2019, I have been looking back on the year I was 25. I remember being so hopeful about 25 being my year – the year that everything falls into place. What happened? I went through my quarter life crisis I believe in 2019.

Turning 25 looked so promising. 

With my health aside, everything was going ok. I was living in Ranelagh in a beautiful apartment with two great friends. I got to see my friends and family regularly. Dating life was going alright. I had so many things planned for the year ahead. Things were looking so good. 

What happened?

I went through my quarter life crisis I believe. 

I started 2019 off with a broken heart. My first ever broken heart in terms of romance actually and it was a strange experience. My love life continued to be a constant stream of being ghosting, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, being friend zoned or me being just not that into them throughout the year. Someone did come along in April and is still around… a little complicated but I shall not be passing comment on that right now 😉 

It was a year of uncertainty in almost every sense but especially with my career. In January, I quit my job. I just felt unsatisfied and that there was something better for me. I wasn’t feeling very motivated. I felt like I wasn’t doing my best in terms of my career. I have always been goal driven and ambitious when it comes to want type of career I wanted and that wasn’t being fulfilled. So I quit, with NOTHING lined up. My health also played a huge part in this as I had a gut feeling I was going to need another operation (which I did in March!)

Then, I was faced with unemployment.  I am a very proud person, so the fact I had to sign on for social welfare was very demoralising and made me feel like shit. I was unemployed for almost 5 months. 5 LONG MONTHS. I was earning €120 a week, therefore I became very dependent on my parents again and had to borrow off them just to live. I am in serious debt to my parents, so much so that I say for the next 6 or 7 years, I will be paying back my parents from every pay cheque I have so I can clear the debt. 

I became very depressed, anxious and lonely.

I was so despondent. I felt like a failure. I wasn’t positive about ANYTHING. I was applying for 100+ jobs a week but getting no response or declined. I really began to think that was it, I was going to have to move back to Laois to my parents and start all over again. I felt so lonely too. Yeah I had my family and friends but I still felt alone. I felt like everyone was getting on with their lives and I didn’t know what I was doing. I was lost. 

A year of unexpected things 

My health has always been a rollercoaster ride but this year was exceptional. Having an emergency operation that day that I was suppose to go to Lisbon was a tough pill to swallow but with the pain that I was in at the time, I didn’t really care as long as I was fixed. In August, I started to go through the menopause at the age of 26 for my PCOS and Endometriosis due to injections I am on to see if it would ease my pain. Sadly, it has not worked as in November, I was admitted to hospital with severe pain which almost resulted me in having a heart attack. It turned out that my Endometriosis was causing my bowel to attach to my ovary, and if I had to leave it any longer, I might have lost part of my bowel. It is now 5 weeks post-op, and I fear that there is nothing else I can do to ease my pain. 

I suffer from Body Dysmorphia and have done since I was 12/13. For some reason, it’s managed to get increasingly worse. I have a breakdown about my image/size/how I look at least once a week. I used to be some what body confident but now, I hate how I look. I am so hyper critical of my body and I hate it. My poor body goes through so much with my conditions but I still give it a hard time because I’m retaining a bit of fluid. No matter what I say or do to try alter how I view myself, I still hate how I look. Having to have so many operations on my stomach doesn’t help my Body Dysmorphia. I am slowly being to view my body differently but it is going to take time.

This past year has definitely been a year of lessons. I have grown so much in every sense. 

It’s not been all bad though.

Over the past few years, I’ve really come to terms with that fact that when I go through bad patches or have bad luck, something better is coming. Sure isn’t my tag line in life the “luckiest, unluckiest girl you’ll ever meet!!!”.

People always comment on the fact I travel a lot and I am so glad I get to. I have been lucky enough to get a bit of travelling in this year. I kicked off 2019 by going to New York with a big (and mad!!!) group of friends and what a trip that was! I managed to go to London three times, twice with Kate and once with Laura. I got to pop back over to Madrid before Sarah moved. Darina and I went to Budapest in the summer and that was wonderful!! Lisbon was the city that I never talked more about in my life than I did in 2019 and I was lucky enough to go twice in basically one month! I ended the year with a family holiday to Disneyland Paris and what a magical way to end the year! I’ve included some highlights from those trips below.

LISBON

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I found work back in Brown Thomas in June and this time was down in menswear. I initially joined as Summer Temp but 3 days after my contract ended, I was brought back full time and I enjoyed over 5 months there. The gang I worked with in Brown Thomas were exceptional people and I am so blessed to call them my friends. They made everyday so much more enjoyable and accepted me and welcomed me with open arms, something I’ll be forever grateful for. I felt like for the first time in a very long time that I fitted in, as we were all a bunch of misfits just looking to find our place in the world. I will forever be grateful for everything they done for me in my time there, but most of all, their friendships. I hold them dearly in my heart and will never let them go!

What’s a year for me with out a long string of concerts and shows eh? I finally got to see Drake live in March and what a show that was! I also got to see my boys CNCO not once but TWICE. Yes, twice!! There was 22 shows in total this year which included Westlife, Ariana Grande, Khalid, Daddy Yankee and some drag shows too 😉

Electric Picnic was also a fun memory of the year as you know I brought the style game! 

EP OUTFITS

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We had a new addition to the family! Princess gave birth to 8 puppies but sadly only one survived, my little Pepe! He has brought so much joy to our family since he has arrived and although he is C R A Z Y, we adore him! It has gotten very difficult to take photos with him now, so puppy photos are all I got right now!

Pepe

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October turned the year around

October was when the year turned around for me. In October alone I moved into a new beautiful house with 3 great friends and got a new dream job with Web Summit that had me in Lisbon for 12 days. I remember waking up on my 26th birthday in my hotel room feeling happy and loved for the first time in a long time.

Here’s hoping 2020 is a lot better than 2019, and I already feel like it will be. Being 25 was a tough age for me but since turning 26 (apart from that last operation!), life has been pretty god dam amazing! I’m about to sit down and plan my goals for the year! 2020, give me your best shot – I’M READY!

Happy New Year! 

 

Sincerely,
Sarah Jane xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

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