It’s has finally hit me. In less than 4 days, I’m moving to another country for 5 months. I’ve been kind of putting it to the back of my mind, only mentioning it to people when they ask and that’s it. I’ve been trying to avoid it in topic of conversation. But I haven’t been able to avoid it over the last two weeks as getting ready for the move is all I’ve been doing. And now I’m beginning to freak out. It’s 2am on Monday morning and for the past 5 days, I’ve been struggling. Struggling to sleep, struggling to stop comfort eating, struggling with overthinking, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am super, super excited to move to Spain for the few months. I’m moving with two amazing friends and I know we are going to have the time of our lives. But my anxiety has taken over me. I’ve found my nerves in my hands shaking more and my breathing faster and my need to surround myself with my comforts has increased immensely – which is mainly watching Gossip Girl, drinking tea and eating M&M’s curled up on the couch!
Moving to another country is a huge thing. I’ve never lived in another country away from my family. I think that is the scariest part. I am such a family person. They mean the world to me. My family have been going through a rough time, (I have 2 uncles and a cousin who have cancer at the moment and another cousin who has Williams Syndrome and has a few health problems recently..) and that’s probably one of the reasons I’m scared to leave. Not to mention, my Dad did have a heart attack at the beginning of the year!! What if something happens when I’m gone? I know it’s a negative thing to think about but if you were in my shoes, you’d think the exact same. Deep down, I know (hope) everything and everyone will be fine.
I know part of why I’m feeling like this. Last year, I went to Lyon to surprise my friend Melodie for her birthday. But I came home to a funeral. My uncle Harold, who was perfectly healthy, passed away after having a heart attack. Friday June 20th 2014, I was in Stade de France in Paris with one of my best friends having a great time seeing One Direction while my mum roamed the streets of Paris heartbroken after Dad rang her to tell her the news. To come back to the hotel and hear that news was such a crash back to reality. I went from feeling so alive to numb. So I’m scared it will happen again.
It’s a big step. As I’m writing this, my head is going mental over everything, mostly my suitcases. I’ve packed them at least three times last week and I got so anxious last week, I just had to close them up. I know tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up and unpack both suitcases again, and go through everything. Can I just bring my whole bedroom with me? That way, I won’t be so anxious! I’m just anxious I’ll forget something I will need, it’s just so hard packing your life into two bags.
I’m kind of laughing at myself for writing this because I’ve always said I want to live in London and NYC. But I know Spain will be the best thing for me. It will give me the ability to live in those places later in life.
I made a promise to myself when I was sick to never miss an opportunity that I’ll regret when I look back. This is a once in a life time thing to do really and I have to do it (no seriously, I have to or I fail my degree!) I have so much to look forward to and that helps me. I’m going to be living with Sarah and Kate and sure that it self is all the reason to go! It’s Tarragona, which is in the middle of Barcelona and Salou, so many adventures! I turn 22 while out there and we’ve made plans to hopefully go to Paris (AND DISNEYLAND!) for my birthday! Before I know it, I’ll be home for Christmas! It’s going to fly by and I know I’ll be fine.
I’ve a frame in my room that has the meaning of my name on it. For the last few days, the top two lines have been catching my attention. They are ‘alway determined to face a new challenge’ and ‘never afraid to plot a new course’. Although I’m scared/nervous, I feel like that pushes me to want to succeed in what ever it is. There never was a minute where I thought of not going.
On a a lighter note, the thing that is really annoying me is that for the first time in years, I’m missing the All Ireland Hurling and Football finals and will have to watch from a pub, it will never be the same! I always go to those matches with Daddy! (I’m pretty sure the staff at the local Irish pub will know our names by the last week in September, with all the GAA and Rugby World Cup matches!)
Anyway, It will be great craic. I’m just a little anxious, like anyone would be.
I’m off to repack these bags for the 20th time!